The Pygmies Are Back!
Sharon Gursky-Doyen, a Texas University anthropologist, and her team of researchers have discovered a group of the long-lost pygmy tarsiers of Indonesia. These 2oz nocturnal primates (pictured above) are about the size of a mouse and have not been observed since 1921.
Unlike all other primates, the pygmys have fingers with claws instead of nails.
Also unlike all other primates, pygmy tarsiers don’t have sex to reproduce. Instead, they perform a most unusual mating ritual which involves one pygmy sneaking up behind another pygmy and putting a drop of water on his head. This causes the now wet pygmy to start smoking and, before you know it, a big furry boil forms on his back. That boil then pops off the creature and grows into another pygmy.
The only drawback to this method of reproduction is that each new pygmy seems to be a bit more evil than the last one. Probably a result of the extreme inbreeding that takes place when one creatures replicates itself. Luckily you can always tell an evil pygmy from a nice one since the evil ones tend to have a mohawk.
Not much else is known about the pygmies, but that will soon change.
“I’m going to be up around the clock studying these fascinating creatures,” says Sharon Gursky-Doyen, “In fact, it’s already after midnight here and I’m about to go back into the lab to try and determine what these creatures eat. I think I’ll start with some leftover fried chicken.”
Good luck to you, Sharon. I’m sure that your reserach will yield all sorts of fascinating details about these mysterious creatures.
UPDATE: Sharon Gursky-Doyen’s lab has been burned to the ground. Firefighters responded to the blaze at approximately 12:39am last night. While fighting the flames, firefighters reported that they heard loud cackling noises coming from inside, along with what one fireman described as “A bunch of goddamn freaks singing that Hi Ho Hi Ho, Off to Work We Go song.”
The fire was put out at approximately 1:45am. However, Sharon Gursky-Doyen is nowhere to be found. The only clue to her whereabouts that authorities have to go on is the fact that her Facebook profile picture was changed moments before the fire broke out.
This is the new picture:
